The Black Republican

I spent part of Easter morning visiting my mother. Mom is demented; that is not an insult, but a description. She suffers from a dementia, and lives in an Alzheimer's community. Alzheimer's being a condition, only confirmed upon autopsy, which causes dementia. There are other causes of dementia, the distinction is relevant, if not important to this story.

My mother's condition inhibits her short-term memory, and confuses her thought processes and the recall of words. But, I had a conversation with her. It began when she recognized me and, as she always does, became excited that I was there. She could not tell my name, or even identify our connection, whether I am a son, or daughter, father, husband, brother, she can no longer provide the correct word. But, she knows me, and I know the nature of what she is trying to say, (most of the time). She is still the same person she has always been, she just can't express herself in the old way. Yet, her tendencies are still there, a playful spirit, a social outlook, a mocking response to pompous people, a need for order, an undeserved self-deprecation, etc. Her nature is too complex to explain; but it is still there. And, by listening to her nature, instead of her jumbled words, I had a conversation with her. And, by definition, she with me.

When I said goodbye, I told her to have a great day, and she responded that it would be if I stayed. Her words were not quite that clear, her meaning was. Her meaning showed in her eyes and posture. Her expression was more than her vocabulary, more than one could gleen from her words. Her need for human contact remains great, and my willingness to listen and work to understand her, in her diminished state, went a long way toward enhancing her ability to communicate. And, while much of what she said would translate, if read, as something akin to; dong ujhyt is she ftwma and I told her (imagine here an inquisitory smile behind eyes that search to see if you understand) and okyrb well that wasn't going to do, so, (imagine a self satisfaction coming over her face suggesting that she had made her point). And know that my reaction was to her need, the need to feel she was understood, and that it was not a patronizing reaction, but instead a reaction to the person, not the words. I acknowledged that she was done, without acknowledging an intellectual understanding. I acknowledged her human dignity, that she needed me to listen, if not understand. Her limitations were not the imperative, nor were her words, her effort was the message.

Accepting her for what she can do is the greatest gift I can give her. I can't cure her, or make her more coherent. I can love her for what she has to share. She is still the same woman I have known all of my life. The bond between us has never been stronger, the connection never more clear. And it my goal to improve what we already have. I can be more open, thus making it easier for her to understand me. My physical expression is stilted, even introverted, if I can learn to show my meaning with the way I move she will pick up on what I am doing (theory-worth a shot). That will take an unprecedented effort from me, but I can do it. And, I can, and will, continue to read her, that is easy.

Her diminished state has not lessened her worth. I stand by her. I will acknowledge her dignity, even as this disease makes her act in less dignified ways, (which it is). She will not be forgotten, tossed aside, or neglected. Mom is still Mom, in different surroundings, under different circumstances. But, I recognize the person I have always known, and that is who I acknowledge. Her needs continue to change, the unique person remains.

Sometimes it takes a lifelong acquaintance to see the essence that remains within a person, experts and newcomers be damned.

That is what I believe is happening for the family of Terri Schindler-Schiavo; they know their daughter/sister, better than anyone. They know she is still there. They stand by her. And so we should stand by them, and her; for they know best.

I also want to note that the name Schindler has a hallowed place in preserving human dignity, do you know the name Oscar Schindler? Ironic that this family shares that last name. I hope they are also successful in saving lives, starting with Terri's.